The World I Know
by Demeleka
Summary: ::Complete:: Pan runs from her problems and feelings, but what happens when her problem finds her? Pan/Goten


Disclaimer: I do not own DB/Z/GT or the song "The World I Know" by Collective Soul. 

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The World I Know

By: astro-panny a.k.a. Jessica

Started 8.11.02

Finished 8.12.02

Has our conscience shown?

Has the sweet breeze blown?

Has all the kindness gone?

Hope still lingers on.

I drink myself of newfound pity

Sitting alone in New York City

And I don't know why.

Finally, here I am in New York City, the city that never sleeps. Ha, I picked a perfect place for myself then. I don't sleep anymore either. I'm just glad to be away from home. I think I was suffocating myself there. I had too many things going on in my head to be able to sort them out with everyone there, especially _him_. I guess it's ironic how things work out in the end. I always thought I was in love with Trunks, as did everyone else. I never thought I would have a chance with him though. I figured he thought I was too young, too naïve, or he was too scared to pursue a relationship with me, so I never took it upon myself to talk to Trunks about my feelings. Like I said, life is ironic. Mr. Capsule Corp. himself finally did seek me out. Turns out, he thought he was in love with me too. Well, I know what you're thinking, little Panny finally got what she wanted. Hey, that's exactly what I thought too, at first. I did see him a few times secretly, but it just didn't click. I could not figure out for the life of me why it seemed wrong. I knew that I didn't have a problem with his age or status as long as he didn't, and he didn't. We had always been the best of friends, and I knew that I had felt more for him than a friend for a while. But, I just couldn't shake this feeling of how it felt wrong, that is, until we went out together with my Uncle one day. 

I had always hung out with Trunks and Goten together before. It was only recently that I had begun to spend time with just Trunks. When Goten was brought back into the picture, I began to doubt my feelings for Trunks. I was completely terrified of the implications of this, but I just had to know. So, on a whim, I called Goten up one day and asked him to go see a movie with just me, to catch up on old times. Seeing as how he nothing else to do that day, of course he said yes. We went, and I had the best time I had remembered having in a long time. I felt so at ease with him, like this was how being with the one you loved should feel. It was that fateful day that I realized that I did not love Trunks, but I had been in love with Goten this whole time. I had just projected my feelings for him onto Trunks since we all used to spend the same amount of time together. I began to remember little things I had done or said that should have made me or at least Trunks or Goten notice my infatuation with him. Imagine my shock at learning I was in love with someone that I never, ever had any sort of chance with. 

I knew that I could no longer stay anywhere near my family after making that discovery. I had to get out of there, away from him before he or anyone else realized what was going on. Luckily, I had just finished up four years at a prominent art institute right there in Japan and I had received several job offers from around the world. I looked them over without telling anyone about my plan to leave and finally decided to take an offer in New York City. I told my parents and everyone else that asked that I was tired of being sheltered and that I needed to spread my wings and gain some independence. A few people saw right through this though, like Goten, Bra, and Trunks. I told Goten and Bra that I really did feel smothered at home, and I think they finally bought it or at least acted like they did since I wouldn't tell them what I was running away from. Trunks, on the other hand, was the hardest to explain my leaving to. He wanted us to stay together, even though I was going thousands of miles away. It was hard for me because I really did care for him, and I wanted us to remain good friends like we once were. I told him that I realized I wasn't ready for any type of commitment now, that I wanted to be on my own for a while. Not quite the truth, but I didn't want to hurt him. I doubted I would ever have another relationship anyway, so it was close enough to the truth. I told him not to wait for me. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, leaving Trunks like that, my family and friends, my life there, and Goten. 

So, here I am, Son Pan, up and coming artist for one of the most prestigious art galleries in New York City. I should be happy, I suppose. I have a really great job doing what I always wanted to do. I have a lovely pent-house apartment, courtesy of the Gallery. It has a wonderful view that overlooks the city. I love to go out onto the balcony at night to think. Tonight it's raining, making the city look more gray and somber than usual, like how I am feeling. Maybe I should stop trying to sort everything out though, it only makes me feel more empty inside. How I wish that he were not my uncle or that he would just love me back. I know it's not possible, but I can't seem to get over him. I even tried meeting new people, but it just didn't feel right. Nothing feels right anymore. My whole life feels like a lie. I know that I'm going to be alone the rest of my life. Always alone…

__

Knock. Knock. Knock. I stop thinking about how my life has been going these past six months, and wonder who could be knocking on my door at this time of night. I walk back from the glass balcony doors where I had been watching the rain pour over the city and go to the door only to find a drenched "_Goten?"_

Are we listening 

To hymns of offering?

Have we eyes to see

That love is gathering?

All the words that I've been reading

Have now started the act of bleeding 

Into one.

Six months. It's been about six months now since she left us, since she left me. It wouldn't have been so bad if she had kept in touch, but it was like she wanted to completely forget us. I suppose she spoke to Gohan and Videl every now and then because they didn't ever seem to be worried about her. It seems like I'm the only one that really misses her still. I mean Bra and Trunks were a little upset at first, but they got over it, I think. Or rather, they found alternate ways to deal with it. Bra made Marron a replacement for her, and Trunks threw himself into his work. He doesn't even have time to hang out with me anymore. I think he loved her really. I've never seen him act this way before in all the time that I've known him. I guess he's not over her leaving. I guess Bra isn't either. They just found other ways to cope with her being gone. I couldn't do that though. With her gone, I had no one left now that Trunks has become anti-social, and me and Bra were never really good friends anyway. 

We were always really close, more like best friends than uncle and niece. I can't believe she hasn't called me a single time since she has left. I know that she has spoken to Bra at least once or twice, but they were best friends. I thought I was her friend too. When she left, I saw right through that whole 'spreading my wings' act. She was running. From what, I don't know. She always did have too much pride to stick around if she thought she might break down and cry. But what good does it do to run from your problems either? I have to see her. I have felt so empty, so alone since she left. I have to find out what made her go away. I'm sure she won't mind a visit from a friend and relative.

"_Goten?_" she speaks. God, I have missed her. She looks great, better than I had remembered. Yes, I am here now on her doorstep, soaking wet from the down pour. But, in this moment, I feel happy, like there is no place I'd rather be. Odd that seeing Pan again could just make all the emptiness and loneliness I've felt for the past six months fade away. She's staring at me now, like I must have been doing to her as well, seeing as how I haven't spoken yet. She looked happy to see me at first but then it was immediately replaced with a pained look. I wonder why.

"Pan." I speak. I can see the confusion on her beautiful face. So I explain what I'm doing there on her doorstep in the middle of the night. "I came to see you. I missed you. You never call me and we used to be so close. I just came to visit you for a few days. If it's alright with you of course?"

"Of course it's alright with me. I have missed you too, you know. I'm sorry that I didn't get around to calling you. I haven't really called many people from home. I email mom and dad about once every two weeks. I've just been really busy lately, with work and all," she says to me as she ushers me in the door. She gives me a small smile and a light hug. She smells really good, a nice clean smell with a hint of vanilla.

"Here, you can go into the bathroom and change. I'm sure you are ready to get out of those wet clothes. Just leave them on the floor, and I'll pick them up later and have them cleaned for you. Knowing you, you're probably starved to death, so I'll just go and fix a snack for you," she tells me. 

I walk to where she just showed me, but not before turning around to have a look at her once more. She has slipped the mask of cheerfulness back on, but still, she seems so sad.

__

So I walk up on high

And I step to the edge

To see my world below.

And I laugh at myself

As the tears roll down.

'Cause it's the world I know.

It's the world I know. 

I can't do this. He's been here for a week now, and while I love him to death, it's just a constant reminder of why I left. I have to admit though, it has been great to see him, just him and me. He's been so nice to me the whole time he's been here. Everything he says and does is just a further reminder of why I fell in love with him. I think he sees through me to some extent though. I feel like he knows I'm keeping something from him. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. Pan was broken from her thoughts as Goten stepped out onto her balcony.

"Hey, whatcha thinking about out here all alone?" Goten asked as he looked at Pan thoughtfully.

"Um, nothing. What are you doing?" Pan mumbled not turning around. She didn't feel like looking at him. Every time she did, she had to fight harder to control the urge to touch him, to run her hands through his glossy black hair, to kiss him.

"Well to be honest, I came out here to see if you were alright. I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I can tell that you have been really upset since I've been here. You seem so sad all the time. Look Pan, I know you ran away from something back home. I refuse to believe that needing independence bullshit. You're one of the strongest and most independent woman I know. So, just tell me what's bothering you. Maybe I can help," Goten said as he walked up behind and placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder. 

Pan flinched at the touch of his hand. "Just go away," she choked out. "You can't help me, no one can." She was trying her best not to cry in front of him. He had nailed all of her problems down within a week of being around her. She wondered if she was really that transparent. 

"Does it have to do with Trunks?" he asked, watching for her reaction.

"NO! This has nothing to do with Trunks. Just leave me the hell alone Goten. I already told you, you can't help me," she spluttered out. She was becoming overwhelmed with emotions in his presence. On the one hand, she just wanted to get it off her chest and tell him what the problem was, but on the other hand, she wanted to flee. 

I hate seeing her like this. This week here with her has been one of the best in my life despite the fact that she's been feeling down. I think, I think that I feel something for her. There's no way in hell I could ever tell her that though. She would hate me even more than she seems to now if I said something like that. But, I can't help it. I don't feel empty or alone when I'm with her. I feel like I'm complete. I should probably get away from her before my feelings get any stronger, but she needs someone right now. She's becoming so withdrawn, it seems. I bet this has something to do with Trunks. Maybe she doesn't know that he loves her.

"Pan, about Trunks, I think he's in love with you. You should see him. He's been a mess since you've been gone. I always knew you were in love with him. Well, I think he loves you too," Goten said in hopes of cheering her up. However, it didn't seem to work.

Pan looked at him with tears shining in her eyes and said, "He does." It was a statement and not a question. Goten was really confused now.

"Pan, I don't understand. What's the matter then?" By now, Pan had become quite distraught. She had broken down and was sobbing now.

"Why, why did you have to come here? Why won't you leave me alone? I can't seem to get away from you, can I?" she weeped out. 

Goten was taken aback. What she had just said sounded to him as if she had run away from him, but what had he done. He didn't understand at all. He was feeling pretty lost himself. Somehow, he had really hurt someone that he cared a lot about, someone he loved, he realized. 

"Pan, if you just tell me what I did wrong, maybe we can fix it." He took her into his arms in an attempt to console her. She looked up into his eyes that looked so much like her own. She saw his confusion, his sorrow, and she thought she saw love, but she couldn't be sure. Being in his arms though was too much for her to take. She reached her left arm up around his neck and brought his face down to hers. "I'm sorry," she breathed out before she pressed her lips to his. Goten's eyes widened in shock as he realized what this could mean, and everything else began to make sense. Before he could say a word though, Pan took off into the sky.

With tears still streaming down her face, Pan flew blindly into the night. Shit, how could I be so stupid! Why did I have to kiss him? Why? Now he'll hate me. I can't keep living like this. Hell, I'm not even really living anyway. Goten's right. I am sad, upset, depressed. If he could see, everyone else probably can too. Her vision was blurry from all the crying, but she manage to stop atop a large skyscraper.

Why not just jump and end it all? No more unrequited love, no more loneliness, no more running if I do this. I know my family and friends will miss me for a while, but it's the same as never seeing them like I've been doing. They will learn to forget about me. I'm sure they would all hate me if they knew that I was in love with my uncle. It's better this way. With that thought in mind, she fell. 

Damn it! Where did she go? She's not in any kind of shape to be flying. Her ki feels really weak right now. I have to find her before she does something stupid. I can't believe she loves me too. It all makes sense now, how she left Trunks behind knowing he loved her, how she didn't feel comfortable having me stay here. I'm so stupid to have missed everything. Once I find her, I can tell her I feel the same, and maybe she won't be sad anymore. Shit, it feels like she's falling and she's not powering up. What the hell is she doing? Shit, shit, shit, she's trying to kill herself. Goten searched for her ki, powered up as high as he could and took off after her.

Pan was falling. All the way down, she only hoped that everyone would forgive her. She had hoped things would work out differently, but deep down, she always figured it would come to this. It was the coward's way out, yes, but she had to escape with some dignity. She saw the ground and said a last farewell to all those she loved. She closed her eyes and braced herself for the impact with cold, gray concrete, except the impact never came. Am I in heaven she thought. I must have died instantly. That was when she felt two strong arms envelop her. She opened her eyes, only to meet the eyes of her love.

"Let me go, Goten! How dare you! I was supposed to die. I was supposed to die," she screamed while crying. "Why, why did y-", he cut her off as his mouth covered hers in a kiss he hoped showed her exactly what he felt as well.

Pan, shocked beyond all reaction, finally pulled back. "Why?" she whispered. 

"Because, my wonderful smart, funny, beautiful, independent, strong, lovely Pan, I love you too," he said with a smile.

"I thought you would have hated me," she said sadly. "No Pan, I don't hate you, but I would have hated myself if I had been a few seconds later. I just found out you love me back, and there's no way in hell I'm letting you go now," he told her as he landed on her balcony.

"You mean, you don't care what the others will think?" she asked him with an incredulous look on her face.

"Look Pan, I love you. I really do. I was so scared that I had lost you. If the others don't approve, then to hell with them. We'll have each other and that all that will matter. As long as you're with me, that's the world I want to know," Goten said as he wrapped his arms around her small frame.

Her face lit up with a smile, the first real smile he had seen since he got there. "Oh, Goten, I love you so much." She reached up and kissed his lips gently at first, and then she placed her arms around his neck and deepened the kiss. They each tried to express all the love they felt for each other at that moment. 

After a few minutes, Goten pulled back and looked at Pan. In that moment, he knew he had found his soul mate as did Pan. They turned and looked out over the city. They knew that their relationship would have its ups and downs, but as long as they were together, that was all that mattered. 

The end.

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Hey, I hoped you enjoyed this story. Please review and tell me what you think. This is only the second time I have written a story, and it's my first songfic at that. I really did try, so if it sucks, I'm sorry. There are a few Pan/Goten stories out there now, but I don't believe any of them are complete as of yet. So, I thought I would make a stand alone one so people wouldn't have to worry about me not finishing it or taking too long with it. 


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